(For the next few weeks I will be taking part in online learning and rather than let my blog slip I will be posting archive posts from my little known first blog “You Look Well Today.”)
I knew it was coming, it was just when it would happen, multiple sclerosis I don’t break easily.
Today, I had the full-on breakdown, the screaming, crying kind of breakdown which started with trying to get my mobility scooter in and out of the house, just so I could take my dog for a walk.
My house is an old-style terrace house that goes straight out onto the pavement but to get out you have a doorstep then a step onto the pavement, there is no easy way to get the scooter out of the house, I have tried two different ramps but it still involves me lifting the scooter or dragging from the front, which takes some doing.
So, after managing to get it out by fair mean or foul, involving lots of pulling and pushing, I set off with Mowgs (my dog), he was brilliant, and I even had him trotting alongside me which was good for him.
When I returned I then had the job of getting it back into the house, something that is supposed to make my life easier is suddenly this great lump of metal that I am having to lift.Yes, I broke down, as usual, my poor Mum got the brunt of it, but I just can’t believe this is what my life has come to Click To Tweet
Yes, I broke down, as usual, my poor Mum got the brunt of it, but I just can’t believe this is what my life has come to, the only way for me to get out of the house is for someone to pick me up outside or to use my scooter.
I was quite excited when I picked the scooter up on Monday and was looking forward to the freedom it was going to allow me.
But now it is just another thing that is going to take any spare energy I have.
The stark realisation that this is my life now, no more work even though that still makes me feel so guilty, why did I think when I left last week the guilt would go with it but it hasn’t, I still look at people with this illness the ones that can still work and question why I can’t.
My local council sent back my housing application stating they had taken me off the list as I hadn’t returned the proofs they asked for, ermmm when did you ask for them?
The ones I sent with the application form they sent back to me a couple of days later, so if they have asked for further proofs that letter got lost in the post it seems.
It also occurred to me that I just seem to live from going to bed to getting up every day with nothing much in between, yet I still throughout the day feel like I should be doing something else, but even if I try to do some cleaning, washing etc., that is short-lived because of the overwhelming fatigue that comes over me and I have to stop and sit back down.
Not acknowledging MS
I have a GP that doesn’t seem to recognise MS as on my latest fit note he has said I am under the Neurologist, yet I have seen the letter from my Neurologist that diagnoses MS and had a long chat with a different GP about this condition that I have that is progressive. So not sure what notes the fit note GP is reading but obviously not the one I saw.
Funds getting low
Chasing up my PIP change of circumstances that was sent in on the 1st September recorded delivery only to find that they only registered it on their system on the 24th September and it was being looked at, I should find out within the next six weeks if I must go for another assessment.
Struggling to get final figures from work and the bills are piling up daily not being paid and I am not able to tell them when they will be paid.
So yes, the breakdown, I have never cried so much as I have just recently, through utter frustration, the screaming at the top of my voice, throwing things about, basically acting like a child having a tantrum, do I feel better for it? no not really, do I have any answers? no, will it happen again? yes most definitely.
But this is not going to beat me, no matter how hard it gets, I will dig as deep as I can to find the strength to fight it.