I just wanted to take this time to update you on what this bloody awful illness does to you to give you some idea of what it takes every day to do the smallest things.
Multiple Sclerosis flares with me are intermittent but as you will see below I can also bring them on with doing too much, and if any one of my sensitivities are overwhelmed.
Interesting enough one of the support groups I am in someone asked a question what peoples flare signs are, now for you to understand this you need to know what a flare is:
When I was a young girl I used to have this recurring nightmare that I was falling down a wall and I had no control, thankfully I never landed but night after night after I closed my eyes this would happen, I kept trying all the time to reach the wall but no matter how hard I tired I just never reached it.
My flare feels like this, because of who I am my instinct will always be to fight it and even though I am trying I can’t get hold of that wall to stop myself falling and the more I fight to do it the more severe the flare becomes.
I know what’s coming. My mind starts to race, my senses all go into overdrive, my eyes blur, my ears become over sensitive to noise, my sense of smell becomes more heightened, my words start to slur, I struggle to get words out, my whole-body temperature drops causing me to shiver and tremble, my limbs all feel heavy, my head starts to pound, I am so dizzy I can’t stand up and I am overwhelmed with nausea.
During all of this I am trying to understand how I have caused this to happen, I feel it’s my fault and I am starting to examine where I have overexerted myself, where were the signs? Have I not been listening to my body?
Yes, I have been listening to my body, but the truth is life takes over, and by life, I mean having a shower or nipping out for a bottle of milk, not trying to swim 70 lengths or walk 4 miles, I didn’t do anything wrong it’s not my fault I am ill.
So instead of fighting, I must trust that if I allow myself to fall, I will eventually hit the bottom and that the impact won’t be too hard. The scariest and most frustrating thing about a crash is that I don’t know how long it’s going to last. But, if I rest, then eventually I will start to feel better.
I’m at the bottom without any means of escape. All I can do is rest and wait, knowing that if I rest, in time a ladder will appear to slowly take me back to the top. This can take days to even get on the first rung, and I can quite easily fall back down again by doing too much, but climb it I must no matter how slow.
I find resting so hard though as being a doer and an organiser my brain is still active though extremely foggy and the worst is being sat in the house, seeing the dust, pots and pet hair and knowing that just by dusting the tv it can slip me back down a rung of that ladder and if I have only managed to get up one I am pushing myself back into negative.
After a massive flare yesterday where all of the above and more happened, today I am opting to keep out of the beautiful sun and keep cool with a fan on all day.
What do your MS flare’s look like? I look forward to your comments, please share too, thank you,